Heenan's Universal Dictionary

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LABOR
One of the processes by which one man makes another man richer.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LABOR PAIN
Hurt at work   [Rural]

LACTOMANGULATION
Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'wrong' side.  [Anon]

LAP-TOP
Whur the kitty sleeps  [Rural]

LAWGASM
Sex with your attorney.    [Anon]

LAWYER
One skilled in circumvention of the law.   [Ambrose Bierce]
People who write a 10000-word document and call it a brief. [Kafka]

LEGACY
A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LIAR
A lawyer with a roving commission.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LIBERTY
[1] One of Imagination's most precious possessions.   [Ambrose Bierce]
[2] Responsibility, which is why most men dread it.   [George Bernard Shaw]
[3] Something so precious it must be rationed  [Lenin]

LIES
[1] Terminological inexactitudes.   [Sir Winston Churchill]
[2] May be one of three varieties; Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. [Benjamin Disraeli] .

LIFE
[1] A sexually transmitted disease.   [Anon]
[2] A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.   [Ambrose Bierce]
[3] One long process of getting tired.   [Samuel Butler]
[4] An incurable disease.   [Abraham Cowley]
[5] A funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.   [Quentin Crisp]
[6] Sobs, sniffles and smiles, with sniffles predominating.   [O.Henry]
[7] Just one damned thing after another   [Elbert Hubbard]
[8] Statistical improbability on a colossal scale [Richard Dawkins]

LITERATURE
News that stays news [Ezra Pound]

LITIGANT
A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LITIGATION
A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LOAF
Head; "Use your loaf" (Loaf of Bread).   [Rhyming]

LOANATION
Buying political favours by bending the rules. [private eye]

LOG ON
Making the wood stove hotter  [Rural]

LOG OFF
Take off wood 'for it gits outa control  [Rural]

LOGANIMITY
The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LOGIC
The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding   [Ambrose Bierce]

LONGEVITY
Uncommon extension of the fear of death.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LOQUACITY
A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LOVE
[1] An abject relationship between tyrants and slaves (see Friendship-1)  [Oliver Goldsmith]
[2] A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.   [Ambrose Bierce]
[3] The interval between meeting a beautiful woman and discovering she looks like a haddock [John Barrymore]
[4] The most subtle form of self interest. [Holbrook Jackson]

LULLABUOY
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.   [Anon]

LUMINARY
One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LUNARIAN
An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.   [Ambrose Bierce]

LYMPH:
To walk with a lisp. [Anon]

LYRE
An ancient instrument of torture.   [Ambrose Bierce]