Heenan's Universal Dictionary

A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - XYZ

HABEAS CORPUS
A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.   [Ambrose Bierce]

HABIT
[1] A shackle for the free.   [Ambrose Bierce]
[2] A great deadener.   [Samuel Beckett]

HAG
An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like.   [Ambrose Bierce]

HALF-INCH
Steal (Half-inch = pinch).   [Rhyming]

HALLAWEENER
Trick-or-treater.   [Coal-Speak]

HAMMOCKING
Slotting a TV show between two high-rated programs to increase viewers.  [Palo Alto]

HAMPSTEADS
Teeth (Hampstead Heath).  [Rhyming]

HAMPTON
Penis (Hampton Wick).  [Rhyming]

HANDKERCHIEF
A small square of silk or linen, especially serviceable at funerals to conceal a lack of tears.  [Ambrose Bierce]

HANGNAIL
A coat hook  [Rural]

HAPPINESS
1. No laughing matter.  [Richard Whately]
2. An imaginary condition, usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. [Thomas Szasz]
3. Agreeable sensation arising from the misery of another.  [Ambrose Bierce]
4. Having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. [George Burns]
5. Good health and a bad memory. [Albert Schweitzer]

HARANGUE
A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue-outang.   [Ambrose Bierce]

HARBOR
Where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs.  [Ambrose Bierce]

HARD DRIVE
Gettin home in the winter time [Rural]

HATCHET
A young axe.  [Ambrose Bierce]

HATRED
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.   [Ambrose Bierce]

HEARSE
Death's baby-carriage.  [Ambrose Bierce]

HEAVEN
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.  [Ambrose Bierce]

HECK
A place for people who don't believe in Gosh. [Anon]

HELPMATE
A wife, or bitter half.  [Ambrose Bierce]

HELEN
Unit of beauty; one helen is sufficient beauty to launch a thousand ships (see millihelen).  [Anon]

HELL
Other people.  [Jean Paul Sartre]

HEMORRHOID
A male from outer space  [Rural]

HETEROSEXUALLY CHALLENGED
Gay. [Queen's]

HERS
The property of a female

HIS
See hers

HISTORIAN
[1] A broad-gauge gossip.   [Ambrose Bierce]
[2] A prophet in reverse.  [Friedrich von Schlegel]

HISTORY
A race between education and catastrophe [H.G.Wells]

HOARSEPOWER
The basic unit of laryngitis [Anon]

HOMER
A bit of luck; "Pull A Homer" ~ to succeed despite idiocy. [Simpsons]

HOMICIDE,
There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, though it makes no great difference to the person slain.   [Ambrose Bierce]

HOPE
Desire and expectation rolled into one.  [Ambrose Bierce]

HORSESENSE
The thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.  [W.C.Fields]

HORSHIT
Politically correct abbreviation; He or she or it (h/or/sh/it). [Anon]

HOUSE
A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.  [Ambrose Bierce]

HUBBLETALK
Rumours of Internet takeovers that involve even sillier money than the bids seen before the Bubble Burst. [WebWork] See Bubbletalk.

HUMONGOUS
A silly and affected synonym for huge or enormous  [Anon]

HUMOR
1. Just another defense against the Universe. [Mel Brooks]
2. The shortest distance between two people. [Henry Youngman]

HYPOCRISY
The homage paid by vice to virtue  [Duc de la Rochefoucauld]