Heenan's Universal Dictionary

A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - XYZ

CABBAGE
A vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CAESAREAN SECTION
A district in Rome   [Rural]

CALAMITY
A misfortune to ourselves, or good fortune to others.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CANNON
An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CAR
The protective and aggressive shell of urban and suburban man.   [Marshal McLuhan]

CARDIOLOGY
Advanced study of poker playing   [Rural]

CARPERPETUATION
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.  [Anon]

CAT
A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CATCH-22
The premise that concern for one's own safety in the face of real and immediate danger is the process of a rational mind.   [Joseph Heller]

CATERPALLOR
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.   [Anon]

CAT SCAN
Searching for ones lost kitty   [Rural]

CAUTERIZE
Made eye contact with her   [Rural]

CAVALIERS
Wrong but wromantic (see Roundheads)  [W.C.Sellar]

CELEBRITY
A person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. [Fred Allen]

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. [Anon]

CHALFONTS
Haemorrhoids (Chalfont St Gyles = Piles).   [Rhyming]

CHALK
Arm (Chalk Farm).   [Rhyming]

CHANGE
An inevitability of life. Except from a vending machine.  [Anon]

CHARISMA
The power to convince without the use of logic. [Crisp]

CHARM
If you have it, you don't need to have anything else; if you don't have it, it doesn't much matter what else you have.   [J.M.Barrie]

CHERLATAN
Older person pretending youth through plastic surgery.   [Indie]

CHESS
[1] A sport. A violent sport. [Marcel Duchamp 1887-1968]
[2] The gymnasium of the mind. [Blaise Pascal]

SURVIVAL CHIC
Fashion trend centered around survival/emergency gear.  [Palo Alto]

CHICKEN
Young gay man with little sense. Popular for other reasons .  [Queen's]

CHILDHOOD
The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CHINA
[1] A big country, inhabited by many Chinese.   [Charles de Gaulle]
[2] Pal, friend (China Plate = Mate).   [Rhyming]

CIRCUMVENT:
The opening in the front of boxer shorts. [Anon]

CLAIRVOYANT
One who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to another, namely, that he is a blockhead.   [Ambrose Bierce]

PLASTIC CLOSET
Location of one who refuses to admit to cosmetic surgery.  [Palo Alto]

CLOT
See Dork  [Anon]

CLUBBING
What Canadians do to baby seals, and teenagers do with each other.  [Miles Kington]

COBBLERS
Balls! Testicles! (Cobblers Awls).   [Rhyming]

COBOT
Collaborative robots designed to work alongside human operators, without causing as much damage.   [Palo Alto]

COCKLESSHELL
Crustacean sex life.   [Indie]

COFFEE:
A person who is coughed upon.[Anon]

COLIC
A sheep dog.  [Rural]

COMA
A punctuation mark.   [Rural]

COMEDY
Tragedy plus Time.   [James Thurber]

COMMITTEE
[1] A group that keeps minutes and loses hours.  [Milton Berle]

[2] Cul de sac down which good ideas are taken and quietly strangled. [Sir Barnet Cocks]

COMMONSENSE
The collection of predjudices by age 18 [Albert Einstein]

COMMUNISM
Like prohibition, a good idea which won't work.   [Will Rogers]

COMPUTER
A device that lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.   [Anon]

CONDIDATE
One who deceives to win [Maisie Langrick]

CONFIDENCE
The feeling you have before you understand the situation.  [Anon]

CONGENITAL
Friendly.   [Rural]

CONGRATULATION
The civility of envy.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CONGRESSMEN
Men who never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge [Thomas B. Reed]

CONNIPTION
Fit of anxiety or hysteria; "I'm comin'!! Don't have a conniption!".   [Coal-Speak]

CONNOISSEUR
A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CONSCIENCE

1. The inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking [H.L.Mencken]
2. What makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. [Evan Esar]

CONSENSUS
An agreement to say collectively what no one believes individually.   [Abba Eban]

CONSERVATIVE
One who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.  [Anon]

CONSULT
To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CONTRACEPTIVE
Item for use on all conceivable occasions.   [Anon]

CORPORATION
An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.   [Ambrose Bierce]

CORTIZONE
The local courthouse   [Rural]

COURAGE
The first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others. [Sir Winston Churchill]

CREATIVITY
No substitute for knowing what you're doing.   [Anon]

CREDULITY
A man's weakness, but a child's strength  [Charles Lamb]

CREWGASM
Orgy in a large boat (see oargasm).   [Anon]

CRITIC

One who knows the way, but cannot drive the car [Ken Tynan] .

CUMSHAW
Unofficial trading, begging, bartering, or stealing from other branches of the service  [U.S.Nam]

CYBERCODGER
Online pensioner.   [Anon]

CYNIC
[1] A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.   [Ambrose Bierce]
[2] One who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.   [Oscar Wilde]