Heenan's Universal Dictionary

A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - XYZ

ABDICATE:
to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. [Anon]

ABSCOND:
To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ABSENTEE
A missing golfing accessory.  [Anon]

ABSTAINER
A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ABSURDITY
A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ABUNDANCE
A local hop usually staged in the barn.  [Anon]

ACADEME
An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ACADEMY
[from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ACCORDIONATED
Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.  [Anon]

ACHIEVEMENT
The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ACKNOWLEDGE
To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ACME
Pimples on the face running towards the top.  [Anon]

ACQUAINTANCE
A person known well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ACTUALLY
Perhaps; possibly.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ADAM AND EVE
Believe; "Would you Adam and Eve it?"  [Rhyming]

ADAMANT
The very first insect.   [Anon]

ADDENDUMB
What lawyers add to contracts to mess up a perfectly good working relationship. [Dan Ferber]

ADHERENT
A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ADMIRATION
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ADMONITION
Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ADORN
What comes after the darkest hour.  [Anon]

ADULT
1. A child who has realised there is a right not only to be right, but also to be wrong.   [Thomas Szasz]
2. A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.  [Anon]

ADVERTISEMENT
Something that makes you think you've longed for it for years, but never heard of it before.  [Anon]

ADVERTISEMENTS
Indicators of the ideals of a nation. [Norman Douglas]

ADVERTISING

The science of arresting intelligence long enough to make money from it. [Stephen Leacock]

ADVICE
What we seek when we know the answer, but wish we didn't. [Erica Jong]

AFFIANCED
Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.   [Ambrose Bierce]

AFFLUENZA
Possession overload; epidemic consumerism.  [Palo Alto]

AFTERLATER
Later    [Coal-Speak]

AGE
A high price to pay for maturity.   [Anon]

ALCOHOLIC
Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. [Dylan Thomas]

ALCOHOLISM

The only disease that tells you that you haven't got it [Kevin Kennedy]

ALONE
In bad company.   [Ambrose Bierce]

ALIMONY
A mistake by two people paid for by one.   [Anon]

ALPHABET
Not quite the complete wager.   [Anon]

AMBASSADOR
An honest man, sent abroad to lie abroad for the good of his country.   [Henry Wotton]

AMBITION
[1] A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.  [Anon]
[2] An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.   [Ambrose Bierce]
[3] Avarice, on stilts and masked. [Landor]

AMERICA
Where everything goes and nothing matters (see Europe)  [Philip Roth]

ANACRONYM
Acronym so old that no one knows what it stands for anymore.   [Palo Alto]

ANARCHIST
The Devil himself in human form.  [Rural]

ANECDATA
A rumor so good that it must be true. [HUD]

ANECDOTAGE
The state that signals time to retire from the world.   [Benjamin Disraeli]

ANGER
One of the sinews of the soul. [Thomas Fuller]

ANORAK
See barmpot.  [Anon]

ANTIBODY
Against everyone   [Rural]

ANTICIPOINTMENT
The feeling you get when you finally see an overhyped movie and it sucks.  [Palo Alto]

ANTI-FREEZE
When you don't talk to your uncle's wife.  [Anon]

APPEAL
In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.   [Ambrose Bierce]

APPEASER
One who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.   [Sir Winston Churchill]

APOLOGIZE
To lay the foundation for a future offence.   [Ambrose Bierce]

AQUADEXTROUS
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.  [Anon]

AQUALIBRIUM
The point at which the drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.  [Anon]

ARISTOCRACY
Government by the badly educated (see democracy).   [G.K.Chesterton]

AROMATIC
An automatic longbow.  [Anon]

ARROGANCE
A highly under-appreciated character trait. [Sting]

ARROGANT

Positively motivated through mental visualization.  [Anon]

ART
The most intense form of individualism that the world has known   [Oscar Wilde]

ARTERY
The study of painting  [Rural]

ARTFUL
A painting exhibition.  [Anon]

ASSASSINATION
The extreme form of censorship   [George Bernard Shaw]

ASSMOSIS
A relationship with the boss that allows success without excessive effort   [Palo Alto]

ATHEISM
A non-prophet organisation   [Anon]

ATTIC
A place where you keep something for ten years and then throw it away just two weeks before you need it. [Evan Esar]

ATTITUDE
Poor substitute for style .  [Queen's]

ATTRACTION
The act of associating lust with a particular person.   [Anon]

AUTHORITY
A stubborn bear, often led by the nose with gold   [William Shakespeare]

AUTOBIOGRAPHY
1. The car's logbook.  [Anon]
2. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people. [Philip Guedalla]

AVAIL
Helpful for ugly women.  [Anon]

AWESTRUCK
Being hit with a paddle.  [Rural]

AWETIOUS
Cute or attractive, in a bunny-rabbit sort of way. [MotoZulli]