Thoughts on Life

Themes:    Silence |  Words | Science | Nature |   Culinary

---

If absolute power corrupts absolutely,
does absolute powerlessness
make you pure - or just poor?

A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.

A man is known by the company that he organizes.

A penny saved is a penny to squander.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Women like silent men; they think they're listening.

Better late than before you're invited.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do attorneys wear legal briefs?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Fools rush in where they've been before.

He laughs best who laughs least.

How can there be self-help groups?

If "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, is "I do" the longest?

If a book about failures fails, is it a success?

If we are here to help others, then what are the others here for?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If anyone believes in telekenesis, please raise my hand.

If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If you yelled at your plants, instead of talking to them, would they grow troubled and insecure?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Least said is soonest disavowed.

Never pat a burning dog.

Money can't buy happiness ... But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Never do your very best. It leaves no room for improvement.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Remember, you Christian fundamentalists:
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?

Success is relative; The greater the success, the more relatives.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

The librarian would not show me the self-help section.
She said it would defeat the purpose.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

To avoid duplication, make three copies.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? Why not a near hit?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When you're getting kicked from behind, that means you're in front.

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Where there's a will there's a won't.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?

---

Thoughts on Nature

What do you do when a endangered animal eats endangered plants?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're staring at the carpet?

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

---

Thoughts on Silence

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If they arrest a mute, is she allowed to keep her hands still?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him is he still wrong?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

---

Thoughts on Words

When buildings are finished, why aren't they called builts?

Why do we never hear about gruntled employees?

Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosylabic"?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Is there another word for synonym?

---

Thoughts on Science

Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's set to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Light travels faster than sound.
Does that explain why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

What is the speed of dark?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

---

Culinary Thoughts

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

 

Can you do better ? Write to Wordskit

And see acknowledgments from previous years