Rules of Grammar

  1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
  2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
  4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat).
  6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
  7. Be more or less specific.
  8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  10. No sentence fragments.
  11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
  12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  14. One should never generalize.
  15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
  16. Don't use no double negatives.
  17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
  21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
  22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
  24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earthshattering ideas.
  26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
  29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
  34. Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional scenarios complicate simplistic matters.
  35. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  36. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that annoying repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  37. Don't make spelling misteaks.
  38. A writer should not shift your point of view mid sentence.
  39. Just between you and i, case is important.
  40. Watch out for irregular verbs which have dove into the language.
  41. Try to resist the tempation to get into overlong sentences, which rarely add much to the original point, make little sense to the average reader, and put others off, generally wasting time without making the point any clearer than a simple, brief statement.
  42. Stick to the point; never go off on tangents, which are technically lines that intersect a curve at only one point, and were first described by Euclid, who lived in the sixth century, an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in the region we now know as Poland.
  43. Beware of radically groovy out-of-date slang.

Can you do better? Write to Wordskit

Contributions to The Langwidge this year:

Sol Squire, David Lawton

And see acknowledgments from previous years

A Note on Grammar

I added this page after seeing various versions, both on paper and on the web. I never suspected there was a definitive source, until I received an abusive email citing William Safire's "Fumblerules of Grammar" which appeared in the New York Times, 4 November 1979. Now, as it happens, many of the web versions clearly derive from Safire's collection, which was later later reprinted in "On Language".

Lest we forget, English teachers have been circulating lists of 'fumblerules' for generations; Mr Safire did not invent the idea, though he may have added to it - and he did get it recognised. The search continues for earlier sources, but it is clear that the Internet - including this page - owes something to Mr. Safire; Thanks!