Words of Sympathy
One of the hardest things to do is to say words of sympathy to someone dealing with loss or tragedy. It isn’t that you don’t feel the pain and sorrow of your friends and acquaintances. It’s that you don’t want to say words of condolence without saying something inappropriate. If you’re like me and you occasionally trip over the spoken word, then you dread moments when you need to give a word of sympathy at a funeral or family night.
Expressing Words of Sympathy
With that in mind, I wanted to offer a few tips on condoling with the family of the recently departed. Most of this word advice has to do with death and its consequences, though some of it applies to other forms of sympathy and other personal setbacks and tragedies. Let’s start with a form of condolences that are somewhat dying out, but one that’s still quite important to those who need to send a letter of sympathy on the death of a loved one.
I would suggest picking and choosing these thoughts and sentiments when writing a letter of condolence and putting them into your own words. For instance, if you have a favorite memory of the person in question that might comfort the person you’re writing to, express in a few words this memory or otherwise offer how this person enriched your life.
At the same time, if you didn’t know the person very well, don’t fake it. Give the appropriate words of sympathy and get out of the way.
Words of Condolences – Death Notes
These are phrases that often open note of sympathy as a kind of greeting. The shorter, the better on these. Express your condolences and then move on to the body of the letter.
- Our warmest condolences,
- With heartfelt condolences,
- Please accept my condolences,
Thoughts of Sympathy
One or two of these phrases per letter of sympathy are appropriate. This is a good way to open your letter, while you might return to this theme towards the end of the note.
- You are in my thoughts.
- Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
- We are thinking of you.
- We are thinking of you during this difficult time.
- With deepest sympathy,
- My sincere sympathy,
- We are deeply sorry to hear about the death of “name of deceased”.
Thinking Of You – Praying For You
Consider adding the idea that you’re thinking and/or praying for this person, if that’s what you are doing or are intending on doing. If you have a more personal relationship with the person you are writing, it’s appropriate to let them know that you love and care about them.
If neither of the above are appropriate or true, the “caring thoughts” comment is a good substitute that isn’t too personal or obligatory. Only if you are very personally attached to the intended reader of the letter would I suggest a sympathy phrase like “with love and hugs”.
- Remember that we love and care about you.
- As you grieve know that we are remembering you and honoring the memory of “name of the deceased”.
- With caring thoughts,
- With love and hugs,
- “Name of Deceased” will remain in our hearts forever.
- We pray the love of God enfolds you during your journey through grief.
- Remembering you and “name of deceased” in our minds and in our hearts.
Thoughts of Love – Words of Comfort
Once again, these words should be placed towards either the front or the bottom of the letter of sympathy, probably opposite of where you put the words of condolence. Words like “peace” and “prayer” tend to be associated with religious ideas in the context of a death in the family, so I would suggest writing those words only if you or the grieving family (or both) are religious in nature.
- With loving memories of “name of deceased”,
- Sent with love and remembrance,
- Our hearts go out to you in your time of sorrow.
- We send you thoughts of comfort.
- Please accept our most heartfelt sympathies for your loss…our thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.
- With thoughts of peace and courage for you,
- We send you thoughts of peace and courage.
- May your heart and soul find peace and comfort.
Peace, Prayers and Blessings,
Missing the Deceased – They Brought Us Joy
Once again, these are words and phrases of sympathy that I would suggest if you had a close personal relationship with the deceased. Since words are just about always inadequate to express sympathy in these case, the “word are inadequate” is a sentiment I have used in the past.
Adding an anecdote or story about this person’s life gives a personal touch that often gives comfort to the family, but it also seems weird if you didn’t have a personal relationship with the deceased. So be careful with being too forward with this part of the sympathy note.
- We will miss “name of deceased”.
- We share comfort in knowing “name of deceased” is no longer suffering. We send thoughts of sympathy and support to you as you begin your journey without “name of deceased”.
- Words seem inadequate to express the sadness we feel about “name of deceased” death. We are here to support you in your grieving process.
- With sincere sympathy,
- “Name of deceased” brought so many gifts to our life. We will never forget him/her.
Funeral Etiquette – Family Night Tips
When a member of a family dies, I would suggest giving your condolences at the funeral home, wake or family night, because that is when the family is prepared to listen to words of sympathy. If you visit them at their house while they are meeting with incoming family, privately grieving or preparing for the funeral arrangements, you are not comforting them, but imposing on their time of grief.
With that in mind, keep in mind these following tips when visiting with the family after the death of a loved one.
- You do not need to stay more than 15 to 20 minutes when visiting at a family night. If you choose to stay around longer to speak with other friends of the family, that is perfectly agreeable, too. But if the funeral home is filled and the family is busy, giving your condolences and then leaving is perfectly appropriate.
- Keep your words simple and your reactions simple when giving condolences to the family before or after the funeral. Give kind words about the deceased if you can find those words. For the most part, let the grieving do the talking. React to what they say. Give a hug or simple replies like “I understand” or “You’re in our thoughts” when replying. Remember that others are waiting to give their words of sympathy and you need to let that happen.
I have had one or two family nights where our group would end up talking with the family and it would become warm and smiles would appear, but don’t try to make that moment happen. Understand that some families and some relationships are different. Some families may need a warm moment with a cherished friend like yourself at a family night.
Proper Words of Sympathy
Use your common sense. Stay within the appropriate bounds of sympathy during the funerary process. Understand the nature of your relationship with the deceased and the family of the deceased and do not try to go beyond those bounds, or else you will be giving consternation or even pain to the family of the deceased at their lowest moment.
Sympathy Is About the Other Person
Words of sympathy should be just that: words of sympathy. Sympathy means that you are thinking and feeling about someone else – not yourself. So when you are offering words of sympathy during times of personal loss and tragedy, always keep in mind the thoughts and feelings of those you are offering yours words of sympathy to.